Reggie's Journal.

About that time again..

2006-07-09T17:06:23Z

A lot has happened ..Morgan has gone to Oregon to prove himself. He was always out to prove himself. I hope it works for him. I think..in the end it was best. We had a few things that conflicted. It still hurts to not have him here though.

Casey..he's an interesting guy. He and I have been hanging around for a bit lately. I like him, he's pretty nice and he understands a few things that Morgan didn't really get. I need to hang out with him more. I submitted to him so he can move up the chain. I've submitted to him before..Why fight when I know that He is more dominant?

We have a new lupa..not sure what to think of that...Nothing has jumped out and grabbed me about her. But I know most of that is that I truly do normally dislike females. Specially ones that are very girly. I don't know..I'll be respectful of the title..but even then..I mean she showed up to the pack after I did. She still has to prove her self..just like all of us did. When she does I am sure things will settle down some.

Min..She's doing good. Hell half the time I'm not sure who is in charge. She won't be omega. No way. I wish I had, had her attitude when I was little..maybe all those things would have been avoided..at least the whoring and drugs. But she and I get along..she treats me like a guy most the time..which makes me comfortable..and I don't feel like she's trying to hide things or like. She's pretty blunt and up front like I am.

On things about lukoi I am the Mom. I am the one that speaks and she listens. On human matters..she is the Mom apparently. We were hanging out.. and I accidentally freaked over something. I never really realized how much I blamed my mother for what happened to me. But.. I mean..How could she not have known? We lived in her house. It was her boyfriend. Oh well..I should probably get therapy or some shit..but I don't want to sit down and just spew stuff out..*shudders* We'll see.

Anyway..Out for now. Gotta hit work ..Don't wanna piss the Houston off because I'm late.

Another day...another dollar

2006-06-17T05:43:36Z

Been working day time as the receptionist to A group of animators. Houston and Donovan and Ray. They all seem pretty nice. I like the job and it lets me still do the pictures and stuff..when I want.

Morgan went to Oregon. I had this feeling that something would come about and bring a head to the situation. We said our goodbyes..and it was sad. He wanted me to come..he couldn't promise me..some things. I said no. I have Dusty and a pack here that I belong with. I have a pup that needs me..and people I have to take care of. I couldn't leave..for a lover. He couldn't promise me mate. These things happen. We did our goodbyes and I'm moving along with things. We'll see what happens I suppose..

Small update..

2006-06-05T21:05:30Z

Change in plans. Someone is coming with on the small vacation I offered Zane. Not that it's a problem. I'm just slightly frazzled because I have had this thing planned already..and with the addtional person I have to change everything. I had picked my haven. I had planned on showing Zane one of the places I have healed. I can't open up though to someone I do not know. I mean honestly he could have asked for nearly anyone in the pack..I would have changed the plans. That place means things to me I can not explain on paper. It was where I thought I was going to die..and then I didn't. I lived. It's where I truly became my wolf for the first time. When she and I were the same and still different. Perhaps some day I'll show him that place. We'll see right? Till then.. There is a small island off the coast. In Hawaii. I'll talk to someone to make sure we get clearance to go. And I'll have a gift for a pack if there is one on that island.

I am glad to be meeting people in our pack and getting to know them. I think this is an attempt on Zane's part of several things. One..to have both of us there. So that he can spend time with Trinity too. Two..see if I can get along with a female in the pack that isn't Brigid or Kira. Not that I cause trouble..I just shy away from them and I know he notices.

So it's completely personal and completely the irritation of having to swing some last minute changes that have me wanting to kick the Ulfric in the shin and yell. Next time send me memo..email..hell a txt message, carrier pigeon. Saying hey..Change of plans. Yes I'm an overly pretentious ass that likes to plan down to the tiniest details on things like this and for the love of Jesus I hate when shit changes suddenly. Funny..with how I act..I doubt that people would know that. Ah well..shit happens and you just roll with it right? This will be fun. The beach will be nice. Perhaps I can swing getting Lays for both of them.

Anyway..that's all on that. On other news have met Superfang..I think is what they said the SF stood for. Nice. Kind of creepy but nice. Then again I find most people creepy. So ask me why Kaz hasn't creeped me out? Mainly cause he's sad..he's tired. The man has more diginity in one pinky then I think I have in my whole being. We'll see though if he is lying or not. Time tells..most people lie though. I know I have. Not recently but I have before. I have given Kaz Tenderheart bear. I don't know if he got the meaning behind the name..but I think he got that I don't give out the bears much. I don't know why I felt the need to. I mean I've given one to Zane and Morgan..but no one else. But Kaz looked like he needed a friend..and since well..I'm just that strange. why not right? Besides.. I think he actually kept the bear in his coat.

Talked to Heather..and Faith too..they have both been abused and are worried about Kayleigh cause she's been abused. I am kind of thinking maybe we should like..have a support group. I do think like half the pack has been rape or abuse victims. Jebus. I feel so jaded sometimes and talking to Heather made it worse. I wonder why I am different..I feel more numb to what has happened to me then outraged or upset..but I have my moments. I don't know..*shrugs* I'll talk to them more..poke lightly..tred softly..whatever..see if I can help or not. Sometimes having someone to chat at about it helps. If there is one thing I can do for this pack is help people cope. I mean..shit..I do it..I think? I don't know..but I can help damn it. I have experience in what it feels like to live through that shit. I can help. *shrugs* We'll see anyway. for now peace out.

It's that time again..

2006-06-03T15:06:51Z

I had a talk with Jayne. We broke up. Or rather I broke up with him. I've been avoiding him mostly..becuase he's angry with me. He has a right to be..I mean I told him I didn't think we would work, you know? I've been honest, and yet somehow I feel like I messed up somewhere. Seriously though? I don't think he truly got all of me. In fact there were times when we didn't see things the same at all and could not manage to reach a middle point. So I said something about it. I Love him, always will. But..it won't work.

I have this feeling Jayne thinks I left because of Morgan, which isn't the truth. I Love Morgan..but it's not the reason I left. Take Morgan out of the equation and I still would have left. So what's happening with Morgan and I? The same. We're lovers and there for each oher. See there was no spontantous mating. I honestly don't think Morgan would even ask me for that. One he's been hurt and He's wary. Which I understand, I really do. Having been hurt by other things. Hey..I get wary. I'm not going to push. I'm there for him when I can be. I do what I can do. I enjoy the time we have together. It's all I ask, It's all I want. I'm not fit to be his Mate. He's Hati, and I'm just an omega. Oh well..I get to be with him. That is far more then I expected.

Then again..it's the same with Jayne. I never expected him to want me either. I still have to wonder what in the hell they put in the water here. Seriously.

I gave Zane a card..it was a sort of cash in later coupon type thing. Two or more days. However much he could spare. I'm showing him the place that Dustin took me when I had been beaten real bad..that first time by my pack. I still don't know how Dustin managed it. But he did..and he took me there, flew me there. The property belongs to a mutal friend. Yeah..one of the Geek Squad. We always take care of our own. They were the first pack I ever knew. Even if they were humans. They were my family...are my family. I still talk to them all, they still call me. Hell I got a voicemail from Russ wanting to know why the hell I haven't touched base with him in over a month. I guess I'll always be their little brother. I'm the were wolf. And yet they are all protective of me..I suppose that has to do wih the fact that they've all seen me beaten purple and black. Oh well..I suppose there are worse things. Anyway..Russ..whom is the one that owns the property. I talked to him. Mentioned this friend right..that hasn't got any time to himself..needed to heal real bad. Russ told me the keys to the cabin were still under the rock and to not break anything. I've always loved that man. I thanked him..talked to my god son and daughter. Said hi to Misses Russ. i.e. Dana. Actually if anything it should be I spoke to Mister Dana and the head of the house hold. I Love to tease mister play boy about that. God he's so whipped and loves it. It's great to see. He keeps poking at me to get married. I keep telling him to quit being a nagging woman. Yeah..same old Russ.

So I have procured said Cabin. It's beautiful there..I hope Zane likes it. It's the only place I could think of to take him. I mean seriously..I almost swear it has healing abilities. I felt very clean..very safe there. Dustin thinks that Zane will like it. It's funny. I walked up to Dustin and said. I want to possibly take Zane somewhere..but we'll need to fly. He just nodded and said he'd have the trip ready for the cabin when I needed. Sometimes it frigthens me just how much my brother can read me. I think he's been learning mind reading too damn it! *just kidding*

Zane some how has managed to kill or have killed, be involved with killing? several of the alphas that hurt me. The Ulfric among them. I don't know what to say..Thank you isn't enough. It's not. It never will be. There are no words to express exactly what that means to me. I told Dustin that the alphas were gone. That they had some accidents. His smirk made me confused. But oh well. I will get to see their pelts soon. Apparently they were given to Zane upon their deaths. I know their pelts too..so very well..I could tell you who was who by them. I'm almost looking forward to seeing their pelts without their bodies in them. Cause I finally win. I got help but I won damn it! I'm alive. They aren't. How is that for a fucking Omega? Huh? They were so sure I would die at their hands. The only thing I regret is that it wasn't by my hands. I would have loved to watch the way their eyes went cold. That would have rocked. I don't care how that sounds. It's the truth. I think it would have been a great irony to die at the hands of the weakest person they beat that lived. Yeah..there were weaker then me. I used to visit their bones at the Lupanar in the old pack. Talk to them. Someone should remember them. Someone should. In fact here is a list of who I know:

Sarah Williams - Eigtheen, wolf a year. Beautiful, loving. Sweet.

Michael - Don't know his last name..he was dead when I met him, his body just hadn't caught up with him. I held him when he took his last breath. I'd been in the pack a week. Just before he died he begged me to lie to him. To Tell him I loved him. He wanted to hear it before he died. I told him. It wasn't a lie. How can you not love someone when they simply need it. It's hard to explain. But I walked him to peace. Upon his request? His body was hidden so it couldn't be consumed. Myself and about three others know why it went missing. Of the three? I'm the only one that knows the name of the tombstone that marks where his body was laid to rest with someone elses.

Michelle Hunt - She was quiet and had been a wolf for about three months when I got there. She took a few for me.

Vern - Don't know his last name. But I know he committed suicide.

And that is all I know of. It's not a long list..but shit..it's a list. There shouldn't be a list of beta/omegas like that who have died at the hands of their alphas for reasons that weren't life threatening to the pack. I have something from each of them. A barrette, a book..something. I keep it in a box. With pictures of each of them. I don't show anyone cause the only picture I could get of Verne was after he had died. It's morbid I know. But..Hey..you have to do something. They should be remembered.

Well..that is all for that morbidness I suppose. My how I like to get off track, huh?
I blame that on the fact that I am going out of my mind with worry..Morgan went with the others to get Kayleigh back. He said good bye like he might not come back. He better damn well come back! I don't pray..but I think I've prayed more times then I can count tonight. He will come home..he will. Ok..seriously I have to go now..can't sit still anymore. Gotta pace again. At least I stopped out right panicking. However? No more attempts at food tonight. Doesn't stay down anyway. Shit..I'm outta smokes. Damn. Gotta go.

Just some thoughts...

2006-05-18T22:51:11Z

Just some recent things Reggie has been thinking of..nothing big :)

I don't think I'm ever going to get the hang of all this. Seriously. I mean I'm starting to get the whole pack thing..how it runs and stuff. But girl stuff..other stuff like that. I don't get it. How come everything has to be complicated? Why can't it just make sense. I feel like handing out scripts to everyone and smacking 'em with rulers. Tell them to play their parts. Cept I don't know the parts..I don't even know my part. None of this makes sense.

Oiy.. Seriously. I really like Jayne, love him..care for him I do. But I feel very close to Morgan too. I keep trying to remind myself that Morgan is dangerous. He is involved with someone..and someone I'm not comfortable with. But when he saw me in the outfit I picked up he made me feel very much like a woman. I have to work on not being so attached to him. It'll just hurt when he can't give more, right? Since well he was honest about that and up front. Which is all cool..cause I am with someone. So why am I thinking about someone else?

Don't get me wrong..Cause Jayne is a great guy. Very laid back..sweet. But there are times when I feel like he doesn't get me. How do you get to be older and not have some ..I feel to jaded around him, old and used. Not because of anything he does but just his nature. He lives in the moment, lives in the way things are..just rolls with it. I don't. I think, I plan. I work to make sure I have backups. I can't just live in the moment for the most part. Because when the moment is gone? I usually have to figure out how to pick up pieces. I really am jaded I think. I don't trust in true love..at least not for me. He thinks he wants to be my mate, for us to live together..the idea scares me when I can't seem to get into his head ..and I won't let him all the way into mine.

I don't know..I'm just bitching anyway..not like I got an answer for any of this. Perhaps I can talk to Bri or Zane. I trust them. Still..none of really matters does it? I mean I'm safe and shit.. That's all I really need. Dusty is here..and working with Morgan to get some stuff up and running. Which is good. From what I can tell Dusty is liking the job. Gives him some freedom. I've always wondered if perhaps he wishes he never had me to worry about. If life would have been so much easier for him without me.

I think I'm gonna go dress up like my boy self and freak out the locals for a while. I'm sure there is something I can do to get a reaction. Anyway..that's my thought of the day.
Peace.

First impressions

2006-05-11T20:53:13Z

This isn't my journal. I can't find my journal currently. I have this feeling that Dusty has done something with it. He never acts guilty and he's acting guilty now. Or at least evading. Oiy.

So much has gone on..I've only been here a month. Can you really believe that? I got here last month just after full moon. I was beat bad. I mean fucked up yeah? Yeah. All this time..all this time and you would think I wouldn't trust so easily..but they don't hit here..they don't rape either. It's so strange. Like a dream. I keep waiting for them to wake up..or for me. It's the first time I've not wanted to die in a long time. I'm not sure what to do with myself now. How do you deal with that kind of shit?

I have an Ulfric that doesn't want me as a slave...WTF? I am omega and he wants me to be something..he wants me to be..Reggie or Roselynn or both if it suits. The thing is I'm not sure what suits yet. According to a tarot card reading I'm not just Reg..I'm not just Roselynn either. I need to find a balance. Back to the Ulfric. Not that I don't love my own father more then anything..but I kind of wished that He was more like Zane..in some ways. Just the perceptiveness I suppose. I might not have been so wild, Maybe? If my father had half a clue what I did. I know he still doesn't know. Not about the drugs, the rapes...the trading sex for hits. None of it. He didn't start knowing something was up till I was infected. I couldn't hide the abuse then. But he still doesn't know I was raped. Never gonna tell him. It would break his heart. And he's not doing to well anyway.

I have a boyfriend. His name is Jayne. Yeah that's right. I'm Reggie..and I have no boy bits. And He's Jayne..and he does have boy bits. Wrap your mind around that one huh? Anyway. He's great..though I worry some. He seems to be ..edgy some times when I touch pack. Even if I am only casually touching. He doesn't seem to like to share all the time..But he touches too. I'm not sure what to think about that. I Love him. I'm not sure if it's cause he's the first person I ever willing had sex with..or because he treats me like a human being. Or why..but..I do Love him. We have a lot in common. He's fun to hang out with. We are probably going to have some talks though..cause..while he accepts me. ..Part of me thinks he might not get me. Sometimes? It's hard to understand someone if you've never been there. He gets sad or pissed when he hears about what happened to me. It's comforting sometimes..but sometimes? All I need is for someone to listen. To understand that shit was fucked and that It's not so much anymore. That it's getting better. I don't need constant reminders that no one is going to do -that - to me again. I know they won't. I won't wait for someone to save me. I'll kill them my self. I'm not playing those games anymore. I'm not a puppet. I'm letting things ride..To see how things go. I really care for Jayne. Love him..I hope I'm not to bitter..to jaded for him. Sometimes? I think I am. Can someone eight years younger really be that much more jaded? I think so.

Brigid..She's sweet. I like her. She doesn't remind me of most women. Most women they make my skin crawl. Cause most are fake. You know? They just..are. They lie to get what they want..then when it comes down to having the balls to back what they want up? They get someone else to do it. But Brigid..just is. She has balls, let me tell you. Lots of balls. I like that about her. She doesn't feel like other women. She isn't..worried about being liked. She is just real. I like that. We will see how it goes. I wonder what it would have been like to have someone like that for a mom? I wonder if she would have let her boyfriends slap her kid around? I bet not. She isn't a bitch like the woman that spawned me. Brigid is like Dusty. Only a girl. I Like that.

Morgan..what do you say about Morgan. I only meant to be a comfort. You know? Nothing..serious, just curl up behind him. I mean I know..what it's like to feel used. To feel worthless. To be nothing but a pawn. Nothing but a piece of ass. I've been passed around through the entire ranking alphas before. More then once. They did always like their parties, eh? Morgan was hurting. I don't know why..but that hit me hard. So I curled up with him. Something about the fact that he had the balls to stand up to Peter...Aka Dick, until Dick backed down makes me like him. I hate Peter for some of the things He represents. I like him for others. But Morgan..he's honorable. It should mean something. He's Hati and he is pack. I don't know why but I wanted to take care of him. I know that makes no sense. None. Cause I mean. How can I take care of the Hati? He's stronger then I am. But I wanted to anyway. I declared that he was my 'other' brother. Cept..it went beyond that when he walked in on something..and..I took him as a lover. I don't regret it. He's the second person I've ever willingly took inside my body. I'm glad I was able to give him something special and something comforting. It's what I was hoping for. I never meant to care for him this much though. Not so quick. It kind of scares me. I don't know how he got in. Kind of like Zane..He just did. I think it's cause he listens. He actually listens to what I have to say and doesn't just try to soothe it away with false promises. Cause you can't promise I'll never be hurt again. That's a promise that can not be kept. Not even by Zane. He might have to punish me someday. And then what? I would be hurt. So there for..I like that there is no lying from the two men.

Daine..I don't trust her. She hurt Morgan..and Kama. I know I'm not close to Kama. She's a girl. I can't help that. But..She's a pup too and it's hard and confusing to be a pup. Let alone be confused about other things going on. I'm sure I'm not seeing all that there is to see..but then again. I've always been a real asshole when it comes to judging women. They are bitches most of them. Liars..and selfish..So.. I tend to think all of them are. Something to work on I suppose. Not that I always trust men. Most of them only want something..so long as it suits them. They are users..they are just more blunt about it usually. I can handle blunt. If you are going to use me? At least let me know up front. I get get the dirty feeling out of the way.

Ah..then there is Dono..and the Bad ass Ho. Dono is the coolest fucker you have ever met! He just rocks! He's like..Dono. You know? I mean he's like a ninja ass kicker. Sarcastic as hell. I want his wit when I grow up. Even if it will get me beat. Only..if we are going for his wit..I want Ho's temper. That man scares the living Bejesus out of me. But he's so fucking cool! They make a cool couple too. I want something like that one day. A real Mate. Like as in a forever be with you always..you are mine, mate. Do used up stoners get to have mates? I don't know if my wolf would know what to do with one. Someone would have to see past this body though. And the shit that comes with it. Like my mouth. That's so gonna get me in trouble some day. Eh?

Well...that is all for right now. Cause I seriously? Got to find my damn Journal and move my stuff to my new apartment. I get to move into one now..I'm becoming part of the pack. Scary isn't it? They actually accepted me. Didn't cost me a piece of flesh after all. I really wonder if Zane was serious when he said my payment to the pack was going to be to trust him and the pack? That is something I'm not sure I want to know the answer to yet.

Anyway.. Peace for now..